Is a Four-putt.

This sage advice comes directly from Jeff Foxworthy in his new golf handbook “How to really stink at Golf."

The good news is that this book will take you about 10 minutes to read. More good news is that it makes for a terrific gift for your golf obsessed friend, spouse, etc. It’s also worth 2 or 3 really good laughs.

In particular, I loved Jeff’s swing thoughts:

“Feet shoulder width apart, relax at the knees, arms straight, hands forming a perfect V, remember to rotate your hips, not too fast on the takeaway, are your shoes tied? Yea, I’m pretty sure they are, check the wind, did I leave the stove on this morning?” Etc, Etc, Etc.

No idea who to credit on this joke, but it is funny.

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. “Your Holiness” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world”. The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” “None who plays golf very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said the golfer.
“Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus”, said the Pope. “Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far.

I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

“How can there be bad news?” the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed, “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.

Who wants to go low anyway? Don’t you get more for your money when you shoot in the 100’s?

Think about it - I get mad when I pay $9.50 to see a movie that is less than 2 hours. I get angry when I pay a jazillion dollars at disney and only get on 6 rides all day long.

So why would I want to shortchange myself in golf? I’m getting 20% MORE value out of my greens fees than a player who shoots 80.

Right?

A friend sent this to me - no idea who to credit - but it is funny.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize, " Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me," she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?"

He replied, “It feels great …..but my thumb still hurts like hell.

If you have any good golf jokes - post them as comments.